Cortés torpedos the steam room

I'm at the beginning stages of the new routine of treatments every three weeks. So long as side effects and symptoms aren't too bad, this will go on for 12 weeks before there is a material health update. Tentatively, the second half of October. That's when the next round of CT scans will be scheduled and we'll see if the tumors have shrunk, stayed the same, or grown. From there, it's likely another version of more of the same. Possibly tweaks to this regimen or switching to something else based on progress or lack thereof.

But until then, it's wash-rinse-repeat. We go to Texas Oncology every three weeks, get blood work done, talk to Dr. Yorio, get the infusions done. A common mantra is that "Cancer doesn't define you". But in the early days, it kind of does. If it's not top of mind, it's always close by. We're starting to move past the early days and starting to let other things take up space. Some of the time.

I was in the steam room at the gym recently and tried to find a meditative state. I never understood the movie trope of a bunch of people holding a conversation in the steam room. I've been in one with Amy before and we're not talking. It's a restorative but hard life in the steam room. It's hot. The condensation feels like beads of sweat all over your body as everything just drips. You loosen up. You try to figure out how long you can stay in there. The steam piping provides a pleasant hissing sound that is a cross between rain and a waterfall. It lets your mind drift. 

It's August in Texas and there I am, raising my temperature by going in the steam room. I don't quite have it to myself – there's a woman on the other side of the room, but I can't make her out. There's a cloud between us. I feel alone, but not quite. I shut my eyes and allow my mind to wander. I try to find nothingness in my headspace. Find a way to just be. And I get there and then I leave there and then I get there again. I think about work. I think about Amy. I think about hiking the Dolomites. I think about how the steam is releasing all the muscle tightness from my workouts and the strain on my lower back from the pressure the tumor places on my kidney. Which brings my thoughts back to cancer. I find a way to think about nothing again. Finally, I've had enough. It's been about 10 minutes. I go outside and relax on an outdoor lounge chair. I shut my eyes and just be.

How I’m feeling

The side effects from the treatments have been manageable. I'm a little more fatigued. My body is working a little harder. I've noticed more pressure on my kidney. The night sweats got worse, and then they started to get better, and then got worse again. The cough improved a bit, then got worse, then got better. There are good days and not so good days, but so far, no really bad days. It's hard to know the difference between a side effect (from the infusions) and a symptom (from the RCC).

My Oura ring is providing data that says that my temperature was up for the first couple of days after treatment, that my heart rate variability is down a little bit, that my respiratory rate while I breath is up. My watch tells me that my VO2 max is down. All are still within normal range and not alarming. My body is working on something. Hopefully something good.

Also, 100% alcohol free since New York. 

What I'm thankful for

This month marks my eight year anniversary of working at ABM. I've built a lot of really good relationships with people across the business. Four years ago I started our Life Sciences division, building a team from scratch. It's been challenging and rewarding – we've had our setbacks here and there, but have grown the business significantly. We've established programs, trainings, certifications, and developed FDA-validated technology. We've stood up a dedicated sales and account management team. I have enough rope to own the business vertical, while having the depth and resources of a large publicly traded company. I have an amazing team that I learn from every day.

I would be happy if this is the last place I work.

I'm thankful for the flexibility my work has provided me while I deal with all of this. My boss, the team I lead, and others across the business have been super supportive and willing to step in when needed. My boss has offered to shift me into a less taxing strategic role if needed. So far, I've resisted, as I like the role I'm in. It’s nice to know the option is there.

I plan to work through this, so long as my condition doesn't worsen from the side effects or the symptoms. We'll also re-evaluate based on changes to the prognosis.

I'm also thankful that I have good insurance – both healthcare, as well as short and long term disability (should I need it) and work sponsored life insurance. Those are things you don't always consider when taking on a job, but I'm super thankful for them too. It helps take some of the financial anxiety out of the situation. 

A Memory

The first trip Amy and I took to Breckenridge was in September of 2013. It was the first trip we took together, and stayed at her friend's place in town. I was keen to impress. I was still a frequent runner in those days, having completed the Prague marathon in 2010, and several half marathons and Broad Street Runs.

There was a 5K in Breckenridge the weekend we went. Amy was also a distance runner, so we signed up. I looked at the winning times from the year before, and saw that it was about 22 minutes. At the time, I was doing about an 8:30 to 9 minute mile, at least for shorter distances like a 5K (3.1 miles). But I figured I could press it if I knew winning was in the cards.

The race was built into the ski resort. There was some elevation change, but most of it was around the base area so it wasn't too steep. I got out of the gates strong, pressing hard. Within 100 yards my lungs were empty. I knew the elevation would matter, but geez. This was absurd. I pressed to get out of eyesight of Amy. I didn't want her to see me gasping. I got to the first turn, pulled over, and sucked air. It took a while. There was a fox eating a hot dog. I spent the rest of my 34 minutes in a walk / run until I made it to the finish line. I still have the orange race shirt.

Amy and I have been back to Breck countless (~12) times since, both to ski and to summer. We know where the best ski runs are, have been up the T-Bar (sorry Tracy!), done all 5 peaks in a day, figured out the best apres ski (Robbies!), hiked the 14er Quandary, eaten the crepes, gone to the James Beard restaurants, and taken the dog on the gondola. It's a special place for us.

What I'm looking forward to

Seeing The Damned Torpedoes. They are probably the world's best Tom Petty Cover band. Amy just got us tickets to see them at the bar adjacent to ACL Live on August 22nd. For local Austinites, let us know if you want to join us! 

Something I recommend

Dan Carlin’s “Hardcore History” podcast. He just dropped a new 4+ hour long episode which is part 4 of his series on Alexander the Great (more below). He’s got a narrative style that’s gripping. If you want to dig a little bit more into history, particularly military history, this is a great place to start.

You can find his most recent episodes in your normal podcast feed, but I’d recommend starting with some of his earlier stuff.  You’ll have to go to his website for that, and it costs a nominal fee. If you do that, start with “Death Throes of the Republic”.  It’s a 6 part series about all of the events that led up to Julius Caesar taking his troops across the Rubicon, turning the republic into an empire. It’s gripping.

https://www.dancarlin.com/product/hardcore-history-death-throes-of-the-republic-series/

What I ate

Louis and Ashley had us over for dinner and Settlers of Catan this past Sunday evening. They're part of our Taster's Tourney crew. They made a lobster appetizer in a Tzatziki sauce, plus cod steamed in grape leaves, over this eggplant/olive/green pepper/garlic/onion sauce that was just fantastic. All of it was very good. The recipes came from the Jose Andres' cookbook, Zaytinya, which they were kind enough to gift to us.

Amy won Settlers.

Random thought

“We’ll climb that hill, no matter how steep”

Alexander the Great fashioned himself after Achilles. He believed he was a direct descendent. He slept with a copy of the Iliad along with a dagger under his pillow. He led his troops from the front. He was wounded at least 9 times as he was emulating Achilles' pursuit of a short and brilliant life crowned by everlasting fame. He conquered Egypt, Persia, and India. He died at 32.

I thought about this after seeing The Odyssey.  How much did Homer influence Alexander's thirst to conquer? The culture that glorified it? What was the impact of this on the course of Western Civilization? On Julius Caesar and Cleopatra (she was Ptolemaic, of Greek origin)? On the conquerors to follow?

Sure, there's always the butterfly effect – we're all the consequence of some bug that was or wasn't stepped upon. If you change a little thing it changes all the big things, too. Putting that aside, there's a debate amongst historians as to whether or not history has been dictated by great people or by environmental and macro economic situations. Did Cortés conquer the Aztecs because, as Jared Diamond would put it, he had the "Guns, Germs, and Steel," or because he was a master tactician with an Alexandrian will toward conquest?

Much like Schrödinger’s cat in the box, it's both. Cortés had his left hand smashed. He had his skull broken in two places. He was in a coma for over a month. He had 600 Spanish soldiers while Montezuma had several hundred thousand. He had every reason to flee to Cuba, and go back to Spain.

He was diplomatic with Montezuma before engaging in battle. He learned the city. He also made local alliances with the Tlaxcalans and other enemies of Montezuma. He cut off supply routes to Tenochtitlan, a majestic city with bridges, sanitation, monuments, and markets that were more awe-inspiring than anything in Europe at the time. Cortés lost and then he lost again. Still he re-grouped and went back up that hill. He had the guns and he had the horses. He had the germs when smallpox arrived about midway through the multi-year engagement. Cortés pressed on and he won, and possibly the greatest city in the world was destroyed and plundered. 400+ years later Neil Young wrote a song about him. He took the Aztecs side.

But Montezuma had his enemies and Cortés doesn’t win without allying himself with Montezuma’s enemies. Montezuma routinely taxed surrounding communities by demanding human tributes for sacrifice. They didn’t like it and were quick to jump into bed with the Spaniards, with their armor and their horses. It’s easy to package things as good vs. evil, but if the Aztecs were a more generous superpower, Montezuma’s client states wouldn’t have rushed to defeat him. Jared Diamond’s book should have been called “Guns, Germs, Steel, and finding some locals that are pissed off.” The English and French did it when they redesigned the Middle East after WWI. We’ll see what happens with Trump’s tariffs on our allies.  

Cortés melted all the gold into ingots for ease of transport back to Spain. They melted the jewelry, the ornate golden eagles, quetzals, and monkeys. The priceless artifacts, all gone from history. The amazing Tenochtitlan was sacked and unrecognizable. Imagine what could’ve been had diplomacy won out? If smallpox hadn’t taken over? If Montezuma was nicer to his client states? If Darius and the Persians defeated Alexander?

All of Cortés ambition and thirst for gold led the Spanish empire into an inflationary spiral. But it also led to the European conquest of the New World.

Like it or not.